Dear Yogesh,

How do you start over with a colleague who doesn’t like you, doesn’t want to talk to you or work with you, and has gone out of their way to try to make you look bad on several occasions? I stopped speaking to this person six months ago, but I’d like to try to rebuild trust. How do I even begin?

Signed,
Farhan

Dear Farhan,

Starting over is a tricky concept. Unfortunately, there is no way to erase the hurts and wrongs from the past—whether they were caused by you or by your colleague. Nothing you do will guarantee that this person will treat you better. In fact, if your goal is to get them to like you or work with you more effectively, I can’t offer you a simple solution.

This may not be what you were hoping to hear, but I feel it’s important to share an honest perspective. The truth is, the best approach is not about changing others but changing yourself. The quality of our relationships with imperfect people is a reflection of our own personal growth. When I’ve faced similar situations, I’ve realized that my growth as a person—my ability to handle conflict, show patience, and extend empathy—was the key to creating better connections. This is not about following a set of “actionable steps,” but rather developing a mindset and practices that can improve your relationships.

I’ll suggest three practices that have helped me and could guide you through this difficult situation:

1. Examine Your Story

We don’t see the world as it is; we see it as we are. The way we frame our experiences—our internal narrative—shapes how we perceive others. In your case, you describe your colleague as someone who “does not like you, does not want to talk to you or work with you, and has gone out of their way to make you look bad.” This story has likely been colored by hurt feelings, and it’s important to examine it closely.

Start by asking yourself: How has your own behavior contributed to the conflict? Have you made mistakes that you could own? And could you think of more generous explanations for your colleague’s actions? Could their behavior be driven by their own hurt or fear, rather than malice? Shifting from self-pity to empathy and humility can make a huge difference in how you approach the situation. This introspection is a practice in compassion and can create opportunities for connection when you choose to behave with understanding.

2. Practice Vulnerability

Trust is built on vulnerability, which requires risk. We’ve all heard of the ritual of shaking hands—an ancient gesture that symbolizes trust, as it involves exposing the right hand, the dominant hand, without a weapon. Relationships function similarly; trust grows when we take the risk to be open, without hidden agendas or expectations.

Reflect on whether you’ve been vulnerable in the past with this colleague. Have you held back kindness or generosity because you feared it wouldn’t be reciprocated? To rebuild trust, you must be willing to offer vulnerability without expecting something in return. It could mean being gracious, kind, and patient—even if it takes time for them to reciprocate. Vulnerability is about acting out of integrity rather than seeking a particular outcome.

3. Surrender Certainty

The process of rebuilding a relationship won’t guarantee the result you want. You might not get the warmth or the connection you hope for from this colleague, and that can be difficult to accept. But it’s important to release the certainty that things will turn out exactly as you expect. Focusing on being the person you want to be—one who is patient, empathetic, and understanding—will allow you to act with integrity, regardless of the outcome.

Sometimes, the greatest strength in relationships comes from accepting uncertainty. We can’t control how others will respond, but we can choose how we show up. By cultivating your internal values, you become more independent of others’ approval. This mindset will help you find peace and satisfaction, even if the relationship with this colleague doesn’t evolve as you hope.

I know these practices may seem abstract and not immediately actionable, but I’m confident that if you embrace them, you’ll find the right path forward. You’ll be working not just on the relationship but on becoming the kind of person who can form deeper connections—even with those who are difficult.

With best wishes,

Yogesh