Five Coaching Questions to Avoid—and What to Ask Instead

Coaching is a nuanced skill that requires not only curiosity but also the ability to ask the right questions at the right time. Unfortunately, some common coaching questions can derail conversations, undermine trust, or distract from meaningful discovery. Here’s a guide to five questions you should banish from your coaching vocabulary—and better alternatives to use instead.

1. “How can I help?”

Why it’s a problem:
This question, while well-meaning, subtly undermines the client’s agency and autonomy. It implies the client needs “help” and positions the coach as the problem solver, which can erode the co-created partnership that coaching is meant to foster.

Ask instead:

• “What would be most useful right now?”

• “What is best to focus on today?”

• “How do you want to use this time?”

These alternatives empower clients to take ownership of the session and articulate their goals or priorities.

2. “How does that make you feel?”

Why it’s a problem:
This question originates from therapeutic models and often feels irrelevant—or even intrusive—to clients, particularly executives. Some people struggle to identify or articulate their emotions, and the question can create discomfort or derail the conversation.

Ask instead:

• “What makes that important right now?”

• “What matters most to you in this situation?”

• “What is the ideal outcome in this scenario?”

These questions keep the focus on motivations, priorities, and goals, which are more actionable within the coaching context.

3. “How is that working for you?”

Why it’s a problem:
Popularized by Dr. Phil, this question often comes across as judgmental or sarcastic. It can make clients feel defensive or mocked, which shuts down the openness and trust essential to a productive coaching relationship.

Ask instead:

• First, ask for permission: “Do you think there might be some value in finding a different way to accomplish your aim?”

• Then, explore alternatives:

• “What different approach might you be willing to experiment with?”

• “Is that approach getting the outcome you hoped for?”

This approach fosters curiosity and exploration without making the client feel judged.

4. “Have you thought about…?”

Why it’s a problem:
This question is a thinly veiled way of offering advice. While it might feel subtle, clients quickly sense that their own thinking is being overridden. Coaching is about helping clients discover their own answers, not presenting them with yours.

Ask instead:

• “What have you already thought of?”

• “What have you already tried?”

• “What options have you considered?”

• “If a colleague asked for advice, what would you recommend?”

These alternatives encourage the client to reflect on their own ideas and experiences while keeping the ownership of the solution with them.

5. “Why do you think that?”

Why it’s a problem:
“Why” questions tend to make people defensive or over-intellectualize their responses, pulling them away from problem-solving or deeper reflection. They can also eat up valuable coaching time without delivering actionable insights.

Ask instead:

• “How did you arrive at that conclusion?”

• “What is going on right now?”

• “What is useful in all of this?”

• “What are you thinking?”

These alternatives invite exploration without triggering defensiveness. They also help clients articulate their reasoning or shift focus to practical solutions.

Why Language Matters in Coaching

In coaching, every question is an opportunity to spark insight, clarity, or action. By choosing words carefully, coaches can create a space where clients feel empowered, valued, and capable. Avoiding poorly chosen questions and replacing them with intentional, thoughtful ones is a hallmark of truly masterful coaching.

Remember: Great coaching questions don’t just satisfy curiosity—they drive meaningful progress.

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