Dear Parents,

As a fellow parent, I empathize with you on possible challenges while communicating with adolescents. No one warns us that parenting doesn’t stop when our kids become adults—it just changes. Anne Frank once said, “Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands.” Your question reflects a deep desire to guide your daughter toward growth and independence, and you’re not alone in navigating this challenge.

Let’s focus on your initial question: how can your daughter build habits that align with her goals? Habits play a critical role in shaping outcomes and identity, and understanding how they work can be a powerful tool for fostering positive change.

What Are Habits?

In our course, The Power of Habit, we define habits as “something you do (mentally or physically) that starts as a choice and becomes a nearly automatic pattern.” In simple terms, habits are automatic behaviors that reflect who we are and influence how others perceive us. Think of habits as a two-way mirror:

• For your daughter, habits act as a reflection of her identity—what she sees when she looks at herself.

• For others, habits are like a window through which they observe her behavior and form judgments (right or wrong).

While others’ opinions shouldn’t be the sole motivator for change, they can open doors to opportunities or become barriers to success. More importantly, habits impact how your daughter sees herself. Building habits aligned with her desired identity will drive what she does and, ultimately, what she achieves.

The Foundation for Change: Belief, Outcomes, and Behaviors

1. Belief: The Power of Possibility

For anyone to change, they must first believe they can change. Often, this belief is eroded by something we call “The Lag”—the time between recognizing the need for change and taking action. The longer someone remains in this lag, the harder it becomes to believe change is possible.

Your daughter might be stuck in this lag, especially if she views her ADHD as an insurmountable limitation. It’s essential to help her see that while ADHD can pose challenges, it doesn’t define her—it can refine her.

One parent of a child with ADHD once described their experience as “intense normality.” This perspective reframes the diagnosis as a heightened version of common struggles. You can help your daughter by affirming her strengths, reinforcing your belief in her, and helping her see her potential reflected in the mirror.

2. Outcomes: Aligning Habits with Identity

You mentioned that your daughter wants to move out and become independent. But is this truly her goal, or does she feel it’s what you expect of her? Her current behaviors suggest she may not fully embrace this desire as her own.

Author James Clear emphasizes the importance of identity-based habits, which tie actions to who we are or want to become. Instead of focusing solely on the end goal of moving out, help your daughter connect her habits to the person she aspires to be. Ask her:

• “Who is the type of person that could achieve the outcome you want?”

By linking her habits to her identity—someone who is independent, reliable, and resourceful—she can find a sense of purpose that motivates lasting change.

3. Behaviors: Small Steps, Big Wins

Once your daughter identifies her goals and the kind of person she wants to be, work with her to define the consistent actions required to make those aspirations a reality. The key is starting small:

• Instead of focusing on the daunting goal of moving out, encourage her to adopt behaviors associated with an independent lifestyle, such as managing her time better or saving a small amount of money each week.

• Celebrate small wins together. Progress, no matter how incremental, builds confidence and reinforces belief in her ability to change.

Having a Crucial Conversation

Initiating this dialogue with your daughter may feel uncomfortable, but it’s an important step. Approach the conversation with openness and empathy:

1. Share your intentions: Let her know you care about her and want to support her in achieving her goals.

2. Discuss the gap: Point out the disconnect between what she says she wants (independence) and what you’re observing (inconsistent habits).

3. Ask for her perspective: Encourage her to share what she truly wants and her vision for her future.

4. Address limiting beliefs: Talk about any barriers she perceives, such as ADHD, and reframe them as challenges she can manage rather than insurmountable obstacles.

5. Identify key behaviors: Work together to define small, achievable actions that will help her move closer to her goals.

Parenting adult children is no easy task, but by focusing on beliefs, outcomes, and behaviors, you can guide your daughter toward building better habits without hovering or overstepping. Celebrate her progress and remind her that change is a process. With your support and encouragement, she can begin shaping the independent life she desires.

YS

For more details, visit our website: https://byldgroup.com/

Or call at: 1800-102-1345