Sincerely,

Suresh

Dear Suresh,

First, kudos to you for recognizing that our attitudes and actions impact others and for caring enough about the relationship to address your concern. Often, we either fail to notice when someone has an issue with us or dismiss it as “their problem.”

The key to asking someone, “What’s your problem with me?” without triggering defensiveness or conflict lies in how you approach the conversation. Let’s explore a few steps to help you navigate this effectively.

Consider the Context

Start by evaluating the nature of your relationship with this person. Is this someone close to you, like a friend, family member, or coworker? Or is it someone you interact with occasionally, like a neighbor or store clerk?

The level of trust and psychological safety you share determines your approach. In a strong, trusting relationship, you might be able to ask directly, “Hey, have I done something to upset you?” and expect an honest response.

In some cases, cultural norms might even make this directness more acceptable. For example, in environments where straightforwardness is valued, such as parts of New York, a direct question may feel perfectly normal.

However, if you’re not confident about the relationship or feel it might not be safe to ask outright, proceed with more tact and structure.

Learn to Look

Before diving in, observe the person’s behavior. Do they seem angry, short-tempered, or withdrawn? Are they otherwise calm and approachable? Behavioral cues can give you insight into their emotional state and readiness for a conversation.

Use a Thoughtful Framework

If you sense the need for a more careful approach, structure the conversation around four key elements:

1. Good Intent – Begin by affirming your respect for the person and your desire for a positive relationship.

2. Facts – Share specific, observable behaviors that concern you without attaching judgment.

3. Story – Explain your interpretation of these facts, making it clear that it’s your perspective, not a definitive truth.

4. Ask – Invite their perspective and clarify if your interpretation is accurate.

This approach keeps the conversation grounded, respectful, and collaborative.

Example

Here’s how this might sound:

“Hey, I respect you, and it’s important to me that we have a good working relationship. I’ve noticed a few things lately—for example, [specific behavior, like not responding to emails or avoiding conversation]. Because of this, I’ve started to wonder if I might have done something to upset or frustrate you. Have I done something that’s caused any tension?”

Guard Against Assumptions

It’s also important to recognize that your suspicions might not be accurate. People’s behavior is often influenced by factors unrelated to us. If you assume they dislike you, you risk creating a self-fulfilling prophecy:

• You notice they’ve avoided greeting you.

• You interpret this as a sign they dislike you.

• You respond by acting more distant.

• They sense this and mirror your behavior, confirming your suspicion.

Instead of guessing, address your concern directly and compassionately. A simple conversation can break this cycle, providing clarity and strengthening the relationship.

Accept What You Can’t Control

Remember, while you can influence a relationship through thoughtful communication, you can’t control someone else’s feelings or perceptions. Even after having this conversation, they may choose to hold onto their perspective. Your responsibility lies in doing your part to foster understanding and connection.

If you approach the situation with respect, curiosity, and a willingness to listen, you’ll create the best possible chance for a positive outcome.

Best wishes,
Yogesh