Dealing with Someone Who Has a History of Evading Responsibility

28 July 2025
Yogesh Sood

Dear Yogesh,

How can I confront a manipulative roommate who tends to display evasive behavior and talk their way out of situations? Recently, I caught them stealing food from other roommates.

Signed,
Rooma

Dear Rooma,

Your situation is challenging but not uncommon. Living with someone who has a history of manipulation can make confrontation feel especially daunting. Here are three steps to help you address this issue effectively:

1. Ask the Humanizing Question

When faced with bad behavior, we recommend asking yourself, “Why would a reasonable, rational person do what they did?” This question, known as the humanizing question, serves two purposes:

It helps you approach the other person with empathy.
Just as importantly, it keeps your emotions in check, ensuring you enter the conversation calmly and rationally.

If your roommate’s behavior doesn’t seem reasonable to you, imagine a scenario in which a reasonable person might act that way. For example, perhaps they were out of food, in a hurry, and planned to replace what they took. Or maybe they mistakenly believed it wasn’t a big deal.

This doesn’t mean excusing the behavior—it simply allows you to prepare for the conversation with clarity and composure.

2. Start with the Facts

When you approach your roommate, focus on the specific incident you observed. Stick to the facts and avoid exaggeration or conjecture. Presenting clear, undeniable details makes it harder for someone to deflect or gaslight.

For example, you might say:
"Yesterday, I saw you drinking milk from Fred’s carton, which was clearly labeled with his name. Did he give you permission to use it?"

Then, pause and listen. Their response might reveal intentions or perspectives you hadn’t considered.

Addressing issues promptly is key, especially when dealing with someone prone to manipulation. The longer you wait, the fuzzier the facts become, making it easier for them to twist or deny the situation.

3. Use CPR: Content, Pattern, and Relationship

If the behavior persists, elevate the conversation through three levels:

Content: Address the specific incident (e.g., stealing food).
Pattern: If it happens again, highlight the recurring behavior. For example, “I’ve noticed this isn’t the first time food has gone missing. This is becoming a pattern.”
Relationship: If the pattern continues, discuss the impact on trust and your living arrangement.

At the Relationship level, you might say:
"This repeated behavior has made it difficult for me to trust you. It’s creating tension in the house, and I’m not sure how we can continue living together unless things change."

This conversation might lead to setting boundaries, like labeling all food or establishing clear rules. If the behavior continues, you may need to explore alternative living arrangements.

Final Thoughts

Many manipulative people are rarely confronted about their behavior directly. By focusing on facts and calmly addressing the broader implications of their actions, you can avoid getting caught in a cycle of denial and defensiveness.

If your roommate shows genuine remorse and a willingness to change, there may be hope for repairing the relationship. If not, prioritizing your well-being by finding a new living situation might be the healthiest solution.

Best regards,

Yogesh