Dear Yogesh,

I have a coworker who often takes over almost every conversation. She is very direct, bold, and speaks her mind without holding back. Sometimes, her comments can be quite uncomfortable. Although I don't think she means any harm, our interactions often leave me feeling exhausted. What should I do about this?

Sincerely, Ravi

Dear Ravi,

It sounds like your coworker is pretty straightforward, but she doesn’t seem to have any bad intentions. She might not pick up on the same social cues as you do, which can create a twofold difficulty for you.

First, you need to be aware of your tendency to feel offended when it’s not meant to be hurtful. Second, you might need to be more assertive in claiming the conversational space that is typically offered to you.

I once had a close friend who loved to talk at length. Let's call him Suresh. Out of sheer curiosity, I would let him talk for as long as he wanted without interrupting, hoping to see when he’d notice that I hadn’t said a word. He never did. Even so, I cherished our friendship because Suresh was bright, inquisitive, and had a great sense of humor.

At first, I often felt frustrated during his long-winded stories. Sometimes, this was simply because I had other tasks to focus on, and he would just keep going. There were times I’d try to avoid him if I saw him in my neighborhood. At the start, I was engaged in our talks, but after about twenty minutes, I'd begin to feel irritated and drained.

I eventually realized why.

There are two types of exhaustion that can come from conversations: productive and resentful. Productive exhaustion arises from deep and stimulating engagement. You’re navigating complex social interactions and leave feeling tired but also revitalized.

On the other hand, resentful exhaustion occurs from conversations that last too long and leave you feeling drained from trying to hide your true feelings. This could be pretending to be patient when you're annoyed, acting interested while your mind wanders, or trying to stay calm when you feel disrespected.

I’m not blaming you. You're just trying to stick to the “politeness” rules you've learned. These norms usually work well when both people agree to them, but in your colleague’s case, it’s like playing Parcheesi on a Monopoly board—confusing and frustrating.

One key insight changed how I interacted with Suresh, and it might benefit you too.

The realization: If others don’t respect your usual communication practices, you're not obligated to adhere to theirs.

Suresh didn’t follow the typical “turn-taking” pattern of conversation; his unspoken rule was, “If you want to speak, go ahead.” I learned to stop expecting him to consider my conversational needs. Resentment can indicate that you’re not maintaining your boundaries, and keeping it bottled up will drain you. The solution isn’t to improve your ability to make others meet your needs; it’s recognizing those needs are ultimately your responsibility.

One day, I decided to try a different approach with Suresh. He was already in the middle of an interesting story when I chimed in, “Suresh, I have 15 minutes to chat.” He nodded and continued. While I enjoyed the conversation, at 13 minutes, I said, “I have two minutes left.” Just then, he veered off into a completely new topic. My heart raced, and I felt the tension rise.

Then it dawned on me, “If he doesn’t stick to the usual rules, I don’t have to either!” At 15 minutes, I asserted, “Suresh, I'm leaving now,” and turned toward my front door. He kept talking as he followed me there. I opened the door, looked at him, and said, “Thanks, Suresh. Let’s continue this another time.” After closing the door, I could still hear him mumble a few words as he walked away.

That day, I felt liberated. I was no longer caught in a codependent situation. After that, Suresh didn’t take offense when I set and maintained my boundaries. I always approached this with respect and assertiveness. Breaking free from traditional social norms doesn’t give you license to mistreat others. Maintain your values, even if your communication style changes.

It’s possible that when you start to be more assertive in discussions, your coworker might react negatively. If that happens, talk about it openly. Collaborate to establish rules that better support your emotional and conversational needs. However, be ready for the chance that as you take more responsibility for your role in the conversation, she may not consider it a big deal.

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