Dear Yogesh,

My name is Rahul, I work as a Project Manager at an MNC in Gurugram. I had a subordinate who worked in our company for the past 18 months. She never seemed happy working here, and it may be one of the reasons why she never got very good at her job. One day, out of nowhere, she gave me a two weeks notice period, and that too right before the holidays. It was very inconvenient for me to have to replace her so quickly. Even in her exit interview with HR, she did not give any clear reasoning for her departure.

Now, after several weeks, I got an email from her. She was requesting me to be a reference and write her a recommendation letter. If I am being honest, I do not want to fulfill her request. And I do not even know any positive points that I can write in her recommendation letter. Can I just say no? But I also do not wish to be mean…..Kindly help.

Regards,

Rahul

---

Dear Rahul,

You can absolutely say no. But, since you seem like a decent person, you could also agree to her request.

It sounds like your former employee did nothing to create relationships, never committed to the job, and left you in a difficult spot. You can tell her that you did not get to know her well and do not know that anything you say would make a positive impression, and therefore she may want to use someone else as a reference.

When potential employers check references, they do not always ask detailed questions. They are often just making sure that employment history is accurate.

If you end up writing the recommendation, you could ask her to write one herself and send it to you so you can edit and add personal touches. Again, you would only tell the truth. She must have been good at some things. You say she “never got very good” does that mean she got good enough?

Of course, you have no way of knowing what was going on in her mind while she worked for you. Maybe she was going through a hard time. Maybe she is super private and shy, and it is difficult for her to connect with people. You have no idea why she left you so hurriedly, but she must have had her reasons. I would encourage you to try not to judge her.

The fact that you are concerned with being mean makes me think that it is not how you see yourself or what you are aiming for as a leader. When in doubt, take the high road. You have almost nothing to gain by being mean and absolutely nothing to lose by giving your subordinate the benefit of the doubt.

So, be kind, do not judge, and tell the truth. No one can ask you for more than that.
Best,

Yogesh Sood

This blog is an adaptation of a blog written by Madeleine Homan Blanchard on February 13th, 2021 – https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/don-t-want-to-write-a-letter-of-recommendation-ask-madeleine