Dear Yogesh,

My son graduated a year ago and has been living with us since then. Although we do not mind our son living with us, we do care about his well-being and what he will do once we are not in this world. He has been living with us and claims he’ll find a job soon and move out to make a life of his own, but we don’t see him preaching what he says. He constantly asks for money, refuses to find a real job, and plays computer games with his online friends all the time. It seems as if he is too comfortable and doesn’t notice it at all. How do we stop this toxic relationship from building further?

Signed,
Deepak

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Dear Deepak,

I understand where you are coming from. However, I’d like you to understand that it may not be just your son, but many children around who’d be very comfortable with the concept of ‘living with the parent’s scenario’, and find it hard to move out or get a real job. I also understand that you love your son and want him to do good for himself, but it looks like that you offered a space to your son and he got too comfortable with it, leaving all the worries of the real world behind.

This calls for a shift in mindset, not just for your son but for all of you. The main reason why the problem is occurring is that he doesn’t have a real job and doesn’t contribute to the house and the responsibilities in it. It sounds like he’s living with you might not be so bad if he had a job and responsibilities to understand your concern. But, to expect he will change with one request of yours is also not possible. The problem also lies in the fact that there are some of his problems have gone unaddressed, even by his FAMILY.

Now my suggestion here is you first need to work on yourself, then on the relationship, and then on the fact of his not finding a job and living with you unemployed.

You can start by reflecting on your behavior, support, and attitude toward your son. Are you passive-aggressive with your requests to him to find a job? Are you helping him or just bothering him with your questions? Is it a conversation between you and your son, or is it just you bombarding him with your questions and opinions? There is a need for you to have open communication and two-way dialogues in order to convey what you want to say to him.

You also need to reflect upon the relationship you two have with each other. Is it something you really want with all the drama and toxicity going on inside? As he also told you, he is finding a job and was not able to, maybe he too is frustrated with not finding the job. He has been going down the spiral and is not able to pull himself up again.

Try to identify the barriers and stop playing the blame game in order to have better communication. Help your son by motivating rather than degrading him. At times, parenting can be very difficult and can cause many problems between a parent and a child. You need to rethink your approach and work on yourself as much as you will work on the relationship between you and your son.

Hope it helps.

Best,
Yogesh Sood

The above is inspired by a blog written by Ryan Trimble on August 4, 2021: https://cruciallearning.com/blog/how-can-i-get-my-adult-child-to-move-out/