Dear Yogesh,

What can a person do if someone just doesn’t want to change their behavior and keep going back to where they started? Even after repeated expectation setting, there is no change happening. Please suggest something.

Regards,
Aman

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Dear Aman,

The issues that disturb the most are rarely the one-time follies of a close friend, colleague, or family member. It is a series of unacceptable behavior that bothers them the most.

There is some advice that I received a long time ago, and it says when you are in a difficult situation that is hampering your work or life, you need to do one of these three things:

1. Accept it
2. Change it
3. Leave it

It seems like you don’t want to get along with the first option, and I’m guessing you’re not at a point where you’re considering option three, so let’s start with discussing your possibilities by taking option two into consideration. And that begins by discussing ‘you’.

I know that the question you’ve put up is about the other person, but I’ve learned that the best way to influence others to change is to change yourself. Therefore, here are a few tips to help you bring an effective change that can further help you both reach a satisfactory level of understanding.

MASTER YOUR STORY

A story or a narrative about a person is the conclusion, assumption, and judgment that follow our observations.

When it comes to judging others’ behaviors, we often tell various stories about them to ourselves. We often hold to them as though they are facts, but they aren’t. Not just that, we are often prevented from having effective conversations. You might be thinking that your stories are correct and that you even have evidence for it.

But, remember this, it doesn’t matter if your stories or assumptions about the other person are correct or wrong, you getting upset in response to someone letting you down undermines your credibility and your ability to influence them.

The other story that we often tell is ‘WHY’ someone did what they did. And the “why” behind the behavior is rarely as simple as we think it is. The catch here is whenever we make mistakes; we are quick to offer numerous reasons for our behavior. But when others make mistakes or behave badly, we often attribute it to one thing, usually ignorance, disrespect, or lack of motivation. It is important to not get stuck in the story trap and look beyond it.

LOOK FOR SOURCES OF INFLUENCE

As you look into what might be the cause behind your peer’s bad behavior, consider the following things:

• Are they motivated to change?
• Do they have the skills and knowledge to change?
• Are others modeling the bad behavior or suggesting it’s “normal” or “ok?”
• Are there incentives for the bad behavior?
• Do they have the tools to adopt the desired behavior?
• Are the policies and processes making it difficult to change?

Asking these questions makes you diagnose like a doctor to find the relevant reason behind the problem-causing factor. You might find the answer to these questions may require a conversation.

As you diagnose, you may uncover reasons, and you may get excuses. It’s up to you to determine whether a response is valid or not. If you get excuses, make that the topic of conversation. Maybe the problem is less about bad behavior and more about an inability to have a meaningful conversation about it.

HAVE THE RIGHT CONVERSATION

People usually discuss surface issues and refrain from talking about real problems as it is tough to go deep into a conversation that requires heated discussion. Usually, we find that beneath the surface of persistent problems lies a host of unresolved issues. If we’re not willing to discuss the problem, will go unresolved and may even get worse.

In your case, make sure to discuss the problem and make conscious efforts to resolve the underlining issues that you might feel persists. If discussing the pattern gets you nowhere, you may then want to address the relationship.

All the Best!

Regards,
Yogesh Sood

The above is an adaptation of a blog written by Justin Hale on May 25, 2022.

https://cruciallearning.com/blog/how-to-address-repeated-bad-behavior/