Training a colleague can be a fulfilling and rewarding experience, but it can also test your patience and resilience. Providing guidance often involves giving feedback, which can sometimes be met with resistance. The challenge isn’t just in delivering feedback—it’s in creating an environment where the feedback is welcomed.
A coworker may not feel safe receiving your input, which causes his/her defensiveness. To overcome this, it’s important to focus on building psychological safety in your interactions. Think of this process like solving a 1,000-piece puzzle—it can feel overwhelming at first, but with the right strategies, you can bring the bigger picture into focus.
Here are two puzzle-solving principles to guide you:
1. Keep Your Eyes on the Goal
When putting together a puzzle, the most important reference point is the picture on the box. Without it, the process feels chaotic and frustrating. Similarly, when training someone, it’s vital to keep the ultimate goal in mind—your intent.
Your coworker’s reactions suggest she may be misinterpreting your purpose or motives. If she doesn’t understand your goal is to support her success, she may perceive your actions as micromanaging or criticism.
To address this, clarify your intent and help her see the “big picture” of what you’re trying to achieve together. For example:
"Lalita, I want to apologize if I’ve come across as mothering or overly critical. That’s not my intention. My goal is to support you in being successful in this role and to share what I’ve learned so you can thrive and achieve your goals."
When resistance arises, step away from the details of the feedback (the puzzle pieces) and refocus on the broader intent (the picture on the box). This can help re-establish trust and clarity.
2. Establish Mutual Purpose
Much like starting a puzzle by building its edges, creating a shared framework of understanding is essential when working with someone. This framework—known as mutual purpose—signals that you’re aligned in working toward a common goal.
When mutual purpose is unclear, misunderstandings and defensiveness often follow. To establish mutual purpose, use the CRIB approach:
Commit to a mutual purpose. Begin by expressing your willingness to find a solution that works for both of you.
“Lalita, I can see our approach isn’t working as well as it could. Can we take a step back and find a way to collaborate that works for both of us?”
Recognize each other’s needs. Focus on uncovering the underlying intentions behind both of your strategies.
“Lalita, what do you need from me to feel more comfortable and supported during this process?”
If she says something like, “I just want to learn without feeling like I’m being micromanaged,” you could follow up with:
“I hear you. Is there anything else?”
She might add, “I’d also like recognition for what I’m doing well, not just what needs improvement.”
Identify your purpose. Be clear about your own objectives as well.
“Lalita, my goal is to make sure you feel supported and have the tools you need to succeed in this role.”
Invent a mutual purpose. Find a way to merge your goals into a shared objective.
“If we can create a system where we have open communication—discussing both areas for improvement and celebrating wins—without it feeling like I’m hovering, would that work for you?”
Brainstorm strategies together. Once you’ve established mutual purpose, you can collaboratively design solutions. For instance, you might propose transitioning to “check-ins” instead of “check-ups,” allowing her to schedule regular meetings to update you on her progress and ask for feedback. This approach gives her ownership while still providing opportunities for you to coach and celebrate her successes.
Moving Forward
Training someone is like piecing together a puzzle. It takes patience, collaboration, and clarity. By helping your coworker see the bigger picture (your intent) and establishing a shared framework (mutual purpose), you can turn resistance into productive dialogue.
When the last piece of the puzzle clicks into place, the sense of accomplishment is worth the effort. Stay focused on your goal, create clear boundaries, and work together to build a strong foundation for success.
