Dear Yogesh,

I have a manager, who acts more like a boss than a leader. He loves to micro-manage everything that is there. He has no filter in his mouth whenever it comes to giving feedback and is sometimes rude as well. Every time I present an idea to him, he outright rejects it and tries to lower my confidence. I got a chance to read his posts on various platforms and what I’ve been able to deduce is that he is a big-time narcissist. 

The main problem is that he is able to achieve the targets and get results, and that is why the senior management loves him. Is there a way by which I can deal with this apart from leaving the company? 

Regards, 

Neeraj 

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Dear Neeraj,

There are two things that I’d like to suggest to you which have worked for me as well. I know one size doesn’t fit all, but if they do, it will be the fastest way of dealing with the corporate misery of micromanagement and a domineering boss. 

The first thing is that whenever we don’t feel compassion or respect toward the other person, the problem lies within us. There are times when we carry a story or an opinion about them that turns a human into a villain. There are ways by which this can become a possibility. By equating their weaknesses with permanent labels that they might have in themselves. 

Take a moment to look back at your request above. Take the adjectives you use to describe your manager. Then ask yourself, do they really exist, or have they exaggerated versions of your fantasies? Are they a real picture or a highly edited list? If so, part of the problem is in you.

Now, I urge you to look back at the adjectives you used to describe him (domineering, rude, micro-manages, no filter, finds fault in everything, narcissist). All of these are deeply shaping your reaction to what he says, along with your response to his flaws.

So, I ask you to consider:

• How does your story about him affect your attitude and behavior toward him?
• How does your story about him affect the way you try to influence his weaknesses?
• Would a more moderated and complete story change your attitude, emotions, and behavior?

The second thing I’d like to suggest is that often times our anger, fear, resentment, or blame, are the evidence that there is a lack of creation or maintenance of boundaries. This brings me to my next question, could it be that fragment of your motivation, to use extreme words in describing him has to do with your own failure to set and hold boundaries for how you allow him to treat you?

There are times when the way we respond to the other person’s weaknesses has just as much to do with our felicity or misery as his initial transgressions. 

Now, I’d like you to have a conversation with your boss in which you can clear things out once and for all. The conversation can begin as “I understand from how you’ve been addressing and reacting to my work before, and it can be a reaction to the fact that I did disappoint and embarrass you. I failed. If you no longer want to work with me, I understand and I’ll resign.”

“And I’m willing to listen to your feedback if you want to give me another shot. But I will not work with you any further if you talk to me that way again. I want your word that you will address me professionally if you have concerns with me.”

Should you look for another job? Perhaps. But if you haven’t first confronted the possibility that (1) your story is part of the problem and (2) your failure to set and hold boundaries motivates some of your resentment, those weaknesses may influence your experience with future bosses as well.

I wish you the best in your decisions ahead!

Regards,

Yogesh Sood 

The above is an adaptation of a blog written by Joseph Grenny on March 23, 2022 

https://cruciallearning.com/blog/how-to-work-with-a-domineering-boss/