Dear Yogesh,

My boss is frightened by me and reluctant to hold a meaningful conversation with me because he is afraid I might get aggressive. He avoids any eye contact and refrains from talking to me. And when he decides to speak, he is all about himself. He does not let the conversation flow freely. He tries to be receptive. And if he believes there may be a conflict, he is nowhere to be found. At times he makes excuses for attending another meeting, or he just escapes to the restroom. And out of nowhere, he takes leave.

On the other hand, I am very straightforward when it comes to prioritizing things that matter. Some people describe me as confident, while others say that I have strong determination. My perspective isn’t personal, but he thinks it is. Instead, I only intend business when I approach him. How do I make him open to having Crucial Conversations with me?

Signed,

Vineeta

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Dear Vineeta,

Thank you for letting me know about the problem you’re facing. It's very discouraging to learn that others see your talents as flaws. Virtues like confidence and efficiency are frequently linked with excellent leaders and achievers. I'm sure you want to be looked at with true conviction. And you deserve to feel good about it. No one likes to be feared or avoided because of unexplainable insecurities. And it's humane to expect good in return for the good you offer.
Ever heard of the saying- Excess of anything is always harmful?

Stay with me. I’ll get you through this.

The line difference between confidence and overconfidence is too thin. Sometimes we claim to be self-confident, but others may perceive it as over-confidence. So, they refuse to confide their trust in us. Do you assure that you see things as they are, but are you open to taking others' opinions too? You claim to prioritize business, but do you also prioritize the people who run that business? Based on your character traits, I'm assuming your responses are mostly a NO.

Fortunately, these characteristics and consequences do not have to be poles apart. You don't have to get away with one to access the other. You can make rational choices when conducting yourself at work. Otherwise, it may look like this: I may be powerful or weak, confident or fearful, direct or uncertain. You will always think extreme, but in actuality, you shall find a middle ground.

And to find that middle ground, you’ll have to incorporate an AND mindset. Consider how you may be both self-assured and accessible, as well as strong-willed and open-minded. Find methods to exhibit some vulnerability because you are already inherently confident, straightforward, and efficient. Here are a few ideas:

1- When you're stuck on a project, contact a coworker for help. Asking for help. It helps you to stay humble.
2- Don't be scared to confess when you don't have all the answers. Sometimes it's okay to be at the asking end.
3- Instead of charging on with your goal, take a breather and gain a fresh perspective. A fresh start brings new ideas to the table.
4- Take the first step in learning more about your coworkers. Discover a technique to build a relationship that goes beyond the work at hand.
5- Take note of when others need to express a personal irritation or require an additional dosage of grace due to anything happening outside the office.

It's always personal when you work with people. Your confidence and power aren’t going to diminish by displaying weakness. Remember that it is AND thinking. It will help you be a determined leader as well as a trustworthy and friendly coworker.

Finally, you must ask yourself what you truly desire. I understand that you incline to function with your conscience, value efficiency and effectiveness, and express your thoughts whenever and wherever you see fit. But learn to evaluate whether this method of working is bringing you what you desire.

I'm not asking you to become someone you're not; your unique traits are necessary for success. However, I feel you will be more effective if you discover methods to moderate rather than emphasize your talents to their extreme. Can you call your personality strong if it is so dominant that it interferes with your capacity to form relationships with your coworkers? Of course not.

While some may like your approach, your supervisor's answer shows that it is not for everyone. Unfortunately, proceeding with the mentality that “if people don't like it, it's their problem” will not get you far. Instead, discover methods to incorporate AND thinking into your strategy. It will help you become trustworthy because people only confide in those with whom they have faith. And your opinions will count, thereby leading to the outcomes you desire at work.

Best of Luck.

Yogesh

 

The above is inspired by a blog written by Brittney Maxfield on June 2nd, 2021 - https://cruciallearning.com/blog/is-confidence-killing-your-career/