Dear Yogesh,

I’ve recently received feedback from my manager about something another leader said about me: "Her nationality shows by her bluntness in meetings." I was hurt by this comment, especially because it was vague and didn’t include specific examples. While I’m open to constructive feedback and want to improve, I’m also struggling with how to respond. It’s particularly hurtful because I work for an organization that values diversity and inclusion. This feedback also makes me question what would have been said if I were from a different nationality, or if I were male or in a higher position. How do I respond to this feedback when I feel so hurt?

Arun

Dear Arun,

It’s always challenging to receive feedback, especially when it feels biased and discriminatory. I can understand why you’d feel hurt and frustrated. The feedback you received is not just vague but also specific in a way that targets part of your identity. It implies that there’s something wrong with who you are, which is both hurtful and unfair. The fact that this comes from a company that prides itself on diversity and inclusion adds another layer of frustration.

At its core, this feedback feels like a violation of the values your organization stands for, and it’s understandable that it’s hard to let go of. While some interactions at work may be easier to brush off, when it comes to something like this, it’s important to address it directly.

I recommend having a series of Crucial Conversations to handle this situation:

1. Talk with Yourself

Start by reflecting on whether the feedback has any merit. Do you tend to be blunt in meetings? It’s possible that the feedback, while hurtful in its delivery, might contain some truth. Think about whether your directness might hinder open dialogue in some situations. Use this opportunity to grow and improve, but also recognize that feedback should be given respectfully and constructively.

2. Talk with the Messenger

Once you’ve reflected on the feedback, it’s time to talk to your manager. During this conversation, stick to the facts and use the contrasting technique. Begin by acknowledging your openness to feedback, such as:
"I don’t intend to ignore feedback that helps me grow, and I’ve reflected on this one. I see that I can sometimes be blunt, and I’ll work on improving this."

Then, express the impact of the feedback:
"However, I’m struggling to reconcile the feedback with the values we uphold here. Specifically, when I was told that my nationality was the reason for my bluntness, it felt hurtful and unnecessary. I believe it’s important for our organization to be inclusive, and this comment felt discriminatory. It seems to condone bias rather than foster inclusivity. What are your thoughts on this?"

Wait for your manager’s response. If they seem dismissive or uninterested, you may need to escalate the conversation to another leader or HR. If your manager is open to the discussion, ask them for specific examples of how your bluntness has impacted the team and what you can do to improve.

3. Talk with the Source

If possible, identify the person who made the original comment. Ask for a brief conversation to discuss the feedback. Be clear and factual, explaining that you want to understand how your behavior might have impacted them and how the feedback was delivered.

Say something like:
"I was told that you felt my bluntness in meetings was tied to my nationality. I want to understand what you meant by this and discuss how it could be communicated more constructively. Could you provide specific examples of how my bluntness has impacted our interactions?"

Be open to their feedback and listen actively. If they apologize, accept the apology and share that you’re committed to working on your communication style. Conclude the conversation by expressing your hope for direct feedback in the future so you can continue to improve.

These conversations won’t be easy, but they are necessary to clear up misunderstandings and address any biases. By engaging in these dialogues, you not only help yourself but also contribute to creating a healthier, more inclusive work culture.

Best wishes,

Yogesh