Needing to Be Liked Obstructing You? Ask Yogesh Sood
Dear Yogesh,
I have sincerely worked in the IT sector for some years now and have regular promotions. But, the constant thought of being liked by everyone remained my topmost priority. I have been very successful in my job because I know how to relate to people and get them to like me.
Although in the recent past, I have started wondering if it is helping me or if having people like me or being good at it is essential. I am struggling to manage people and hold them accountable. After discussing it with my seniors, I have been told that I cannot make everyone happy and, thus, need to get over it. Please guide me on this.
Regards,
Priyanka
Dear Priyanka,
Before anything else, you must be grateful for the superpower of being great at knowing how to relate to people. Considering it to be the most attractive trait they possess, people lacking it have a hard time developing the same.
Is it childlike to think you can make anyone like you? Maybe or maybe not, as long as it is not bothering you. I would rather say to enjoy it thoroughly. It will have more to do with the power imbalance associated with conflicting goals than how the other person feels about you. In reality, it is perfectly okay if not everyone likes you when push comes to shove.
All you have to do is understand their needs, so they will get themselves met. So, it is on you to ensure that they are completed accurately. Let me explain.
Your need to be liked is a core psychological need, not just a preference. One needs to understand it, recognize how it drives your behavior for better and for worse, and learn to manage it so it doesn't get in the way of your goal.
There are tons of theories and research about needs. Psychologists and researchers seem to agree on one among all: Every human being tends to have similar requirements for competence, relatedness, and autonomy. Along with this, every individual is different, but they seem to come hard-wired with needs.
1) Not changing
2) Driving behavior to get met
You need to find how to get people like you in ways that it does not cost you anything.
How can you meet that need? If it forces you to choose friends that are not good for you or to be in relationships that bring you down, or if it prevents you from being effective at work. Awareness of yourself and your needs is essential to make the best choices and thus protecting yourself from your unconscious behaviors.
You may still be appreciated as a manager, but the most important thing to remember to become an effective manager is this: Leadership is not about you. It is solely about the people you are managing. Trust is the vital thing that you need your people to feel. They have to trust that you know what you are doing, that you will give them clear instructions and everything they need to be successful at work, and that you will be fair and consistent. They may or may not like you, but they will certainly trust you.
You can tell people that it's your job as a manager to give feedback, and you'll do it when necessary. Besides that, your role is to hold everyone on your team accountable. Once you've laid the groundwork for what you expect, it's much easier to stick with it.
A manager's job is to help their employees be as successful as possible at work. You can only do this by giving people all kinds of feedback - of course, when things are going well so they can keep up, but when things could be different or better.
The confusing thing about needing to be liked is that it can be one of the reasons you are efficacious, almost certainly in your case. But at some point, this particular need can become an abusive and counterproductive force with unintended consequences. You've gone through some steps of self-awareness, so move on. Pay attention, and adjust, step by step.
At the same time, enjoy those relationships—especially personal ones, where you can have confidence in yourself without worrying about the consequences, with people who love you as much as yourself. That way, you can satisfy your need to be liked by enough people to keep you satisfied.
Regards,
Yogesh Sood
The above is an adaptation of a blog written by MADELEINE HOMAN BLANCHARD on July 30, 2022.