Respect is indeed foundational to any thriving workplace. The authors of the book Crucial Conversations captured it perfectly: “Respect is like air. As long as it’s present, nobody thinks about it. But if you take it away, it’s all that people can think about.” Similarly, Dr. John Gottman, renowned for his relationship research, highlights contempt—disrespect’s ultimate expression—as a surefire predictor of trouble in any relationship, including professional ones.

The role of a manager is crucial in helping a team move past emotions of disrespect and toward understanding and constructive dialogue. Here's a step-by-step approach to fostering respect and resolving issues:

1. Help Them Recognize Their Stories

It’s important to understand that others don’t “make us” feel emotions like anger or frustration; we create these emotions through the stories we tell ourselves about their actions. When employees feel disrespected, guide them to explore the stories they’re telling themselves. What assumptions or interpretations are fueling their feelings? Encouraging this reflection can open the door to understanding.

2. Separate Facts from Stories

Respect issues often stem from real observations, but those observations can be clouded by subjective interpretations. Help your team members differentiate between facts (what was said or done) and the stories they’ve attached to those facts. Ask questions like, “What exactly did you hear or see that led to this feeling?” This practice can soften strong emotions and pave the way for clearer thinking and better conversations.

3. Encourage Crucial Conversations

Too often, employees vent to colleagues or managers instead of addressing their concerns directly with the person involved. Shift this norm by asking, “Have you spoken with [the person] about this?” If not, resist the urge to intervene on their behalf. Instead, coach them on how to approach the conversation respectfully and constructively. This empowers them to resolve conflicts and builds a culture of open dialogue.

4. Challenge Negative Narratives

Teams can sometimes create collective negative stories about others (“Those people in IT never listen” or “HR doesn’t care about our needs”). If unchecked, these narratives can harden into beliefs that fuel disrespect. Teach your team to challenge such narratives. Ask questions like, “Is that always true?” or “Have you considered their perspective?” This helps dismantle unproductive assumptions and promotes understanding.

5. Shift from Complaints to Solutions

When employees complain about others, ask, “What’s your goal in bringing this up?” This isn’t meant to shut them down but to redirect their energy toward problem-solving. Complaining may provide temporary relief, but it doesn’t lead to change. Follow up with, “How would you like things to be? What actions can we take to move closer to that outcome?” This approach helps the team focus on solutions rather than dwelling on grievances.

6. Find Common Ground

Disrespect often arises from emphasizing differences. Instead, encourage your team to seek commonality. Ask, “What shared goals, values, or interests can we focus on here?” This doesn’t mean ignoring bad behavior or pretending disagreements don’t exist. Instead, it’s about recognizing the humanity and intentions of others. Finding common ground fosters empathy and paves the way for mutual respect.

7. Set the Tone as a Leader

As a manager, your actions set the standard for behavior. If you permit venting, gossip, or unchecked negativity, you inadvertently promote those behaviors. Instead, actively model respectful dialogue and action. When respect becomes the norm, the drama diminishes, and focus returns to your shared mission.

Final Thought

Respect begins with dialogue and understanding. By helping your team explore their stories, challenge assumptions, and work toward shared goals, you can transform a culture of drama into one of collaboration.

Best regards,

Yogesh