Dear Yogesh,

My 27-year-old son moved in with me and my husband before the pandemic with plans to buy a house last spring. However, he has since enrolled in grad school, and with the current seller’s market, he is still living with us. We have a four-bedroom house, and while it was initially meant for our use, he has started using the extra rooms for photo shoots and storage. I had planned to convert those rooms into a meditation/prayer space and an entertainment room. My son is wonderful, but I’ve been told I can be judgmental and don’t always communicate well. How should I handle this?

Sincerely,

Kavita

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Dear Kavita,

As a parent of four sons, three of whom are in their twenties, I understand the challenges of having adult children return home. Navigating this stage of parenting is different from when they were younger, and it requires a shift in how we interact with them. At this point, parenting is more about influence, and knowing how to use that influence effectively can help you navigate this delicate situation.

When approaching difficult conversations, think of it like flying a plane. The goal is to safely reach your destination, but the way you land the conversation is just as important as how you approach it. A rough landing can overshadow the best of intentions. In the same way, your approach to the conversation will greatly influence how your message is received and how it impacts your relationship.

Here’s how you can approach this situation:

1. What You Want

Safe landings begin with managing your speed and altitude, which translates into being clear about what you want. Before you start the conversation with your son, slow down and think carefully. Ask yourself:

• What do I really want for myself?

• What do I want for my son?

• What do I want for our relationship?

Often, we’re tempted to focus on what we want from the other person (in this case, having your rooms back), but it’s more effective to focus on long-term, relational goals. Ask yourself, "What do I want for the future?" Consider that your relationship with your son is more important than the immediate discomfort. Aligning your intentions with a positive outcome for both of you will help guide the conversation.

Once you have clarified your intentions, share them with your son. By expressing that you care about both his well-being and the family dynamic, you’ll set a tone of safety and understanding for the discussion.

2. What You Say

The way you start the conversation will have a significant impact on how it unfolds. Begin by acknowledging the gap between your expectations and the current situation. Let him know that when you initially agreed to have him move back in, you thought it would be a temporary arrangement. Then, share your vision for the spare rooms—what you had planned for them, and how that vision is now being affected by the way they’re being used.

Invite him into the conversation by asking for his perspective. Ask him about his plans for the future, and how he’s adjusting to his current situation. Show that you’re genuinely interested in understanding his point of view.

3. What You Hear

Just as pilots rely on gauges to inform their decisions during flight, you can gauge how the conversation is going by actively listening to your son’s responses. Often, we listen with the intent to respond, but the key to a successful conversation is to listen to understand.

Try to resist the urge to interject, correct, or offer advice right away. Instead, focus on asking clarifying questions:

• "How will that affect your plans?"

• "What do you need to make this work?"

• "Why is this important to you?"

By engaging in a dialogue rather than a one-sided conversation, you’ll increase the chances of finding a solution that works for both of you. When your son feels heard, it creates an open space for problem-solving and strengthens the relationship.

4. The Landing

Achieving a “safe landing” in this conversation means finding common ground and understanding while also respecting each other's needs and perspectives. The goal isn’t just to resolve the issue at hand but to create a stronger, more collaborative relationship moving forward.

With the right approach, this conversation could not only help you get the space you need but also reinforce the bond with your son, ensuring that the solution is one that works for everyone.

With best wishes,
Yogesh