Dear Yogesh, 

There is an employee in our team who believes that the only way to deal with difficult situations and give feedback is through using foul language and insulting others. He believes that the more crude approach he’ll takes, the better the other person will become.  

He believes that to create an everlasting impact on someone, you need to use anger and raise your voice. This doesn’t let the other person forget your message, and it eventually changes with time. 

It is hard to find a mutual agreement with this person. Not just for me but for anyone else on the team. The main problem here is how I can collaborate with or respect someone who believes in being abusive and also thinks it is for the greater good. 

Can you please share your thoughts on my predicament?

Signed,

Ashu 

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Dear Ashu,

I would like to get a few things straight first. In the first place, I accept you are in an ongoing relationship (work or personal) with this individual. Second, that the conduct the other person portrays is, on occasion, coordinated toward you, and you need that conduct to change. 

If the aforementioned situations are true, I have some ideas to share. But first, I’d like to convey my thoughts on this situation: 

In case you are in a toxic relationship, you ought to get out of the relationship. You need to isolate yourself from the victimizer and secure a position of security. 

I hear such a lot of torment behind your painstaking request. I'm heartbroken that you are in a circumstance with somebody who is harming you. So I return to the initial certainties: in case you are being abused, get out. In case you believe that a Crucial conversation can change a person to do good and completely turntables, then let me explain.

This is the thing that a Crucial Conversation is: it is an exchange wherein the two people contribute and acquire understanding with regard to one another and themselves. This understanding prompts change. Yet, the objective of the discussion is understanding. 

OFFER NATURAL CONSEQUENCES 

The situation that you’ve described clearly states that there is agreement on the gap. They use anger and do not see it as a bad thing. At the point when others perceive how their activities are prompting adverse results for them and everybody else, they become more open to change. You can't transform them; however, they can change themselves.

The problem with sharing consequences is that most of the time, we do it in the wrong way. We tend to share the outcomes of their behaviors that affect us. This is a natural approach and works most of the time if the other person is concerned enough to care. However, if the other person doesn’t seem to get the true essence of your request, it is better that you focus on conveying things that affect them. 

Also, At a point when you respond to something with abuse or anger, you will see the other person pulling out of the conversation, and you feel that you are harming those connections. When you constructively share feedback and consequences, it helps motivate the other person to do better. 

SET CLEAR EXPECTATIONS 

When you acknowledge the constraints of what you can do, you can draw clear limits concerning what you anticipate. You can't change individuals. You can't propel them. You can share your point of view about the unfortunate results of their conduct. However, others will pick their way. You just pick yours. 

I hope this helps!

Sincerely,

Yogesh Sood

The above is inspired by a blog written by Emily Gregory on AUGUST 18, 2021:

https://cruciallearning.com/blog/when-someone-believes-might-is-right/