Dear Yogesh,

My name is Saurabh, I work at an MNC in Pune. For some time now, my mental peace is very disturbed due to a workplace issue. I am working on a project, which requires me to interact with a colleague who is constantly rude and disrespectful towards me. I feel like I am stuck in a loop. Whenever I try to have a constructive conversation with him, he always ends up saying something mean, which ends our dialogue unpleasantly and this goes on repeating. I try to remain silent and hide my frustration inside. Please suggest what to do when a person is constantly disrespectful while you try to have a crucial conversation with them.

Regards

Saurabh

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Dear Saurabh,

Trust me, you are not the only one who feels stuck in a loop of disrespect. This “loop”, when it first started, you told yourself “It’s just a brief outburst” but then before you could even properly notice, it had become a routine. Repeated disregard for respect, damages the possibility for any meaningful conversation and it has a direct, negative impact on work.

To feel safe, people often use silence as a defense mechanism whenever a dialogue goes wrong. But in the long run, it is not a good solution. From what you have written, the main focus was on disrespect. If you wish to have a long-term solution, then finding out the purpose behind this disrespect is important. You need to have a clear mind and analyze the situation. You might find an area, which triggers your colleague to be disrespectful. Let me illustrate with the help of an example.

There was a brilliant data analyst, Rishab, who was considered the best at handling numbers. But his boss was an uptight person, who used intimidation for problem-solving. The organization had a very tense atmosphere, and this was affecting everyone’s work. One day the boss came storming in, asking for Rishab. On noticing him, the boss, with a very high voice said “the numbers are wrong! And if these numbers are wrong then everything is wrong!”. On listening to this, Rishab with a calm, yet firm voice said “Do you want these numbers to be right? Then please ask politely”, this took the boss off guard, and then he with a slightly lower voice replied “yes”. Rishab asked a few more questions to understand the problem and then laid out a plan to rectify it.

After solving the issue, two things were realized:

• The boss only used intimidation as a problem-solving method. And it seemed effective to him because his employees went silent as a form of defense. But now he realized it was just ruining the mental health of his employees.
• If Rishab had remained silent then his boss would have never realized his mistake and the disrespect would have continued.

It is not easy, but for you to break out of this “loop”, you need to take a firm stand, respectfully make them aware of their rudeness and if required take help from your superiors, other colleagues, or your HR. Good luck with your future efforts and remember, having good mental health is important for both your professional and personal life.

Best,

Yogesh

This blog is an adaptation of a blog written by Steve Willis on October 14th, 2020 – https://cruciallearning.com/blog/what-to-do-when-someone-repeatedly-disrespects-you/