Dear Yogesh,

Why do people choose silence over having the right conversation and sorting things out? It is easier to verbalize what they need from others than to assume things. Then why would they avoid crucial conversations at the expense of what they need?

Regards,
Pragyesh

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Dear Pragyesh,

When people choose silence or violence in or after a heated conversation/triggering event, it is usually because they feel unsafe–threatened. To understand it better, let's look at the conversation journey. People follow a certain predictable pattern as soon as the conversation transitions from a normal to a crucial one. Firstly, we see or hear what is going on in the conversation. We check whether the person has become defensive or not. Their tone of voice.

After noticing all the clues, we start to tell a story about what has happened. We go into a state where we begin to think deeply. We try to find out why the other person is reacting the way they are. If we have said something to offend them, or are they simply overreacting? Or maybe we see a pattern and think to ourselves, "they have started again." Whether we present as victims, villains, or heroes, we've told ourselves a story about the situation and our role.

The next step in our stories is to create feelings leading to several other changes in actions and behaviors. These stories trigger emotions and judgments rooted in a lifetime of patterns, experiences, traumas, and behaviors. Based on that, we then act toward the situation that can lead to silence. Our reaction to crucial moments happens quickly and is determined by the stories we tell ourselves.

So, when someone chooses to remain silent, it is because history has taught them. Stay quiet is the best bet for a quick ending to an uncomfortable conversation. Perhaps silence has been modeled to them over the years, or they think they are at fault and feel remorseful, nervous, or hurt.

Therefore, it is best to follow these tips when somebody chooses silence (or violence) over a crucial conversation.

1. State the Positive Intentions: It doesn't take long for people to act, make stories, assume, feel or choose silence. You should get ahead by stating your positive intentions and respect for them. Clearing your intentions to them creates a bridge of trust between you and the other person. This, in turn, creates safety. They let their guard down and begin to listen and contribute—even if the topic is unpleasant.
    
2. Rebuild Safety, Repeatedly: If the conversation is going fine but turns crucial, step out of it to comfort the other person by rebuilding safety. Reassuring the other person that you have all good intentions will improve the conversation. Start by saying, "It seems like you might be feeling uneasy. I want you to know that I intend to engage in a friendly dialogue."
    
3. Ask for Feedback: Perhaps, there are things or words that you've said that have triggered that person to choose silence. It might be something that you would not have bothered to address, but the information could help you act differently for a more positive outcome. You can start by asking, "Is there something I'm saying or doing causing you to react that way?" This way, you will reassure of safety and have a positive two-way conversation.

I believe if you are consistent in your efforts to make it safe, the other person will feel the difference and begin to open up. Over time, you will build a relationship based on trust and respect—two of the most important elements of healthy dialogue.

Best of luck,
Yogesh Sood

The above is an adaptation of a blog written by Brittney Maxfield on JUNE 8, 2022

https://cruciallearning.com/blog/why-people-go-to-silence-and-how-to-help-them-open-up/