Why People Get Defensive

Have you ever found yourself in a conversation where the other person suddenly becomes defensive, and you’re left wondering what went wrong? Understanding why people get defensive is essential for navigating challenging interactions and fostering better communication. Here are some insights into the roots of defensiveness and how to respond effectively.

Perception of Intent

People don’t become defensive because of the topic of discussion but because of how they perceive your intent. If they sense that you don’t care about what matters to them or that you don’t respect them, they’re likely to feel threatened. This perception often triggers a defensive response, regardless of the actual subject being discussed.

Psychological Safety

At the heart of defensiveness lies a lack of psychological safety. When individuals don’t feel respected or valued, their fight-or-flight response is activated. This state of mind can make them react impulsively, shutting down their ability to think rationally and engage in constructive dialogue.

Impact of Past Experiences

Past experiences play a significant role in shaping a person’s reactions. Someone who has been repeatedly disrespected or dismissed may remain on high alert, interpreting most interactions as threats, even when none are intended. This hyper-vigilance can make it challenging to foster open and productive conversations.

How to Respond When People Get Defensive

1. Don’t Blame the Topic

Recognize that the issue isn’t the subject matter but how the other person perceives your intent. If they feel unsafe or threatened, they’ll become defensive regardless of the discussion’s content. Shifting your focus from the topic to addressing their emotional state can help.

2. Clarify Your Good Intentions

Make your positive intentions explicit. Acknowledge the other person’s perspective and goals to build trust. For example, saying, “I know we want the same outcome here” or “I value you and want to understand your point of view” can help reduce defensiveness and create a sense of safety.

3. Let Your Actions Match Your Words

It’s not enough to simply say you respect the other person; your actions must align with your words. As Stephen Covey famously said, “You can’t talk yourself out of something you’ve acted yourself into.” Consistent behavior that demonstrates care and respect for their goals and feelings is essential to de-escalate defensiveness and build trust.

4. Focus on Respect

If your tone, behavior, or body language doesn’t convey respect, your words will fall flat. Demonstrate respect both verbally and non-verbally. This includes maintaining an open posture, making eye contact, and adopting a calm and empathetic tone to show genuine concern for their viewpoint.

Building a Foundation for Productive Dialogue

By focusing on making the other person feel safe—through both words and actions—you can help de-escalate defensiveness and open up a more productive dialogue. Remember, defensiveness often stems from perceived threats to personal respect and safety. When you approach interactions with empathy, clarity, and respect, you’re far more likely to foster understanding and collaboration.