Dear Yogesh,

I have had several encounters with people who are rude to me during crucial conversations. I have apologized for some wrongs that I did, but this person expects me to take full accountability for the incident that happened. This seems unfair. What can I do?

Regards,
Aayushi

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Dear Aayushi,

From your queries, what I have identified are the following two possibilities:

1. The other person is trying to hold you accountable in the wrong way.
2. The other person is trying to manipulate you.

Since I do not have complete knowledge of it, I will share tips for both situations. Let’s assume the other person is exactly how you describe him/her. Rude. As you know, acquiescing to demands is no sustainable way to resolve a disagreement. You can avoid confronting them for now, but this would make your relationship suffer, and any results that depend on your cooperation will also suffer.

My first advice is to stop apologizing for things that you think you are not responsible for and have a conversation about facts. A fact is quantifiable–a truth about the event and not just our interpretation of it. In your case, a “wrong” will be a standard expectation or behavior, which is a fact, and there’s your actual behavior that supposedly didn’t meet the standard, which would also be a fact.

Therefore, the next time you find this person falsely holding you responsible for a thing you think is not your fault, state the facts and only the facts.

For example, “Last month we agreed that I would compile all weekly reports and then send them to you on the last day of the month. Now you say you’re upset because you haven’t seen the reports on a weekly basis. How do you remember our last conversation?”

It may happen that the facts related to your situation are a little hard to describe, or they do not work with policies and actions, and the conversation depends upon just the verbal exchange. Perhaps this is your spouse or friend, not a work peer. Nonetheless, try to isolate precisely what this person expects and precisely how they believe you didn’t meet this expectation.

It is important to be clear about how you want to take the conversation. “Just so we’re clear, you expect me to do such-and-such. If in the future you think I haven’t met this expectation, I will expect you to cite evidence of how.”

As you make the expectations clear, you might discover there are certain expectations you might fail to meet. If so, do not avoid those expectations and try to find a mutually acceptable way. Even if you meet resistance, stay respectful.

But what if this person is merely trying to hold you accountable?

My suggestion here would be the same. Start with facts and only state the facts.

At times, when people are being held accountable, they get defensive and use all kinds of stories that make the other person the villain and ourselves the victim.

Some of the wording in your question leads me to believe this is a plausible explanation for your situation. Or, perhaps this person is demanding you take “full responsibility,” as you say because so far you haven’t.

How can you know? Ask yourself these questions:

• Do you raise your voice?
• Do you feel like a victim?
• Is there anything you might have done to give this person a reason to demand responsibility?

It is said that “The truth is hard to swallow,” and it may be you are struggling to hear what this person has to say.

“Do you mind if we start over? Perhaps I haven’t been hearing you. I’m willing to take responsibility for the things I’ve done wrong, and it would help me to review the facts of the situation. I think it’s essential if I’m to improve and not make similar mistakes in the future.”

If you learn during a conversation that you did, in fact, fail to meet a clear expectation, apologize sincerely and quickly. Acknowledge the misdeed and specify what you will do to prevent it from happening in the future.

Finally, since we have talked so much about facts, I’d like to share one with you: While we are all connected in ways, it remains a psychological fact that I am me and you are you. Most of our interpersonal conflicts result from failing to respect where “I” end and “You” begin.

I hope these suggestions help you better respect yourself and your boundaries—and others’—so you can connect and communicate more effectively.

Regards,
Yogesh Sood

The above is an adaptation of a blog written by Ryan Trimble
JUNE 15, 2022

https://cruciallearning.com/blog/how-to-communicate-boundaries-and-avoid-manipulation/