Dear Yogesh,

I have felt that my manager micromanages employees, disclosing project intel that is not necessary, and generally stepping out of the communication boundary with people. I too have stopped sharing any of my personal information with my boss for fear that it might go out in the wrong way through him. What I want to ask here is, how can I have a Crucial Conversation with my boss about this whole situation? I was shying away from having this conversation as I thought it might hurt his sentiments and create a negative impact. Please help me with the same. Any suggestions are welcome. 

Regards,

Suraj

---

Dear Suraj,

Out of all the statements from your question, the one that stood out the most for me was your perspective of thinking that approaching your supervisor with a Crucial Conversation is disrespectful to them or their role as a leader. Most often, people become careful about saying something wrong to their supervisors or label things as disrespectful or out of line. 

But more than saying it out loud, it is worst to keep it inside and live in silence.

One of the core teachings and principles of Crucial Conversation for Mastering Dialogue is that if you don’t talk out, you’ll act out. Unresolved and unspoken concerns will manifest themselves in ugly vent sessions, and gossiping to teammates, friends, family, and anyone who will listen. Therefore, here is how you can have a Crucial Conversation with your supervisor.

Check Yourself First

Before you get into that much-needed conversation with your boss, check your feelings and emotions by looking for ways in which they aggravate the issue. It’s not that your boss doesn’t have any problem, but it often happens that our feelings exaggerate the role others play when problems affect us. For example, you mentioned he discloses certain information, maybe he too is getting less information leading him to give as much as possible in the wake of compensating things to provide as much as he could. 

Go With Good Intentions

It is important that you start by getting permission to talk in private. Once you are there, thank your supervisor for taking out time for you. The first thirty seconds should be to set the tone of the conversation. Mention the problem, not directly but with adequate background, and then explain your desire to work through a problem in a way that meets both of your needs. Make it a win-win situation for both parties. 

Focus on the One Issue You Care About Most

It seems like you’ve been having trouble with your boss for far too long, which has multiplied your concerns with him. It might seem a little hard, but avoid mentioning all these issues in your first conversation. Instead, work on one issue at a time. Give your boss the time he deserves to respond and work on your concerns. This will require a very detailed analysis of what issue is most urgent or problematic. To narrow it down, consider what you really want for yourself, for your boss, and for the relationship. 

Stick to the Facts

Consider sharing one or two examples of the problem that you’ve faced in the past. For instance, when your boss gave you that report to complete and kept asking about it throughout the day. Do not overwhelm him with examples, instead mention what you think is extremely necessary. 

Define “Who Does What by When” and Express Your Thanks

In the end, it is better to end the conversation with what both of you will do to help improve your working relationship. And finish by expressing your gratitude for his willingness to listen to your concerns.

With the right skills, it’s possible to approach anyone with any title. If they do not accept your skillful and thoughtful conversation, that’s their choice. You may end up where you would have had you remained silent which is disengaged and looking elsewhere. However, if you follow the steps I’ve outlined above, at least you’ll know it’s not for the lack of trying to improve the situation. And really, that’s all you can do.

Best of luck,

Yogesh Sood

The above is an adaptation of a blog written by Brittney Maxfield on December 15, 2021

https://cruciallearning.com/blog/how-to-have-a-crucial-conversation-with-your-boss/