Dear Yogesh,

My boss likes to talk and gets candid when she starts sharing. I didn't particularly appreciate listening to her while working. I admire her, but her gossip gets in the team's way. Eventually, I had to work from home until midnight to get what I could do in the office and meet my timelines. How can I come across this with her?

Regards,

Meera

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Dear Meera,

Do you work for me? I am asking this question with a slightly frightened smile because I am 99.9% sure you are not. But as I read your question, I realized that I had many personal conversations with colleagues, especially over the past few years. I wonder if I am sharing too much to connect with colleagues across time and space and on Zoom. Now, I am considering that it is a good time to recalibrate!

I have had enough of me. Let us now talk about you. Firstly, it is best to demonstrate two important things with your question:

• You realize you have a social boundary that your boss is undoubtedly crossing.
• You understand that the way ahead is to have a conversation.

Many people get frustrated with the behavior of others instead of effectively addressing the situation through a conversation.

In the next section, we will mention the top 3 skills that will help you have the conversation.

Refuse the Fool's Choice

Raising concerns with someone positioned above you can be intimidating. The problems arise because we worry that what we say will make the other person feel defensive, critical, and maybe even attacked. And we have enough life experience to know that when someone feels attacked, they are likely to fight back. Our managers, by virtue of their positional power, can significantly impact our lives, so it makes sense to keep their goodwill. We believe that drawing attention to their behavior is the opposite of maintaining goodwill.

This is where we make stupid choices. We can either be truthful or be in the good graces. But one cannot do both. There is no way to be honest, respectful, direct, and kind, right?

Incorrect! I think this is the wrong choice. Of course, you can be honest and kind. In reality, honesty is kindness. And being kind is respectful. So, reject the fool's choice and accept the solution through conversations.

Make it Safe

If you think your boss might feel insecure and become defensive, you need to have the plan to keep them safe. Psychological safety in a conversation depends on one thing: intent. Why does she think you are telling her this?

Safety is not determined by your intent but by the other person's perception. Because of that, you need to have good intentions.

Share your Experiences

Once you have laid the foundation for good intentions, build on that foundation by sharing clearly and succinctly what you are experiencing. For most of us, usually out of anxiety, the instinct is to want to talk too much. But you need to avoid that. Describe the problem in as few sentences as possible. It might look like this:

You are very personable, and I have noticed that you connect with people and build relationships by sharing what is going on in your life.

The downside for me is that it is affecting my work. Sometimes I have to work overnight to get the work done. While I enjoyed our conversations and wanted to get to know you as a whole, these conversations took me away from the focus I wanted to have at work.

Again, here is an example of how I would have handled this conversation. It would be best if you found your own words to describe your experience. I believe if you do, with the same good intentions, create a safe space to talk, and focus on your goals of building a positive relationship with your boss during work hours, then you will find your way through this conversation.

The above is an adaptation of a blog written by Emily Gregory on August 10, 2022.

https://cruciallearning.com/blog/setting-social-boundaries-at-work/