Dear Yogesh,
I’m in a relationship with a person and find myself apologising frequently. It’s starting to feel like I’m being taken for granted and am less important between the two of us. I genuinely care about this person, but I’m feeling worn out. Do you have any advice?
Signed, Satish
Dear Satish,
If you’re finding yourself apologising too often, here’s the advice I’ll give you: STOP APOLOGISING.
Apologising for truly bad behaviour can help repair trust and strengthen relationships, but over-apologising – or apologising when you shouldn’t – is counterproductive. It can unintentionally turn you into a target for mistreatment.
If your partner believes your intentions are bad but you know they weren’t, an apology may not be the solution. Apologising just to avoid conflict or spare their feelings is neither healthy nor helpful. Instead, try this:
1. Share Your Good Intentions
Make it clear that you care about them, the relationship, and the outcomes of your interactions. Let them know your intentions were positive and aligned with the health of the relationship, even if the result wasn’t what they expected.
2. Use the Contrasting Technique
If there’s been a misunderstanding, use contrast to clarify what was intended. Explain what you didn’t mean and then focus on what you did mean. For example:
“I don’t think you’re irresponsible. I’m just asking for your help with a few things around the house.”
3. Match Your Actions to Your Intentions
Remember Stephen Covey’s advice: “You can’t talk your way out of something you’ve acted your way into.” If you want to express your good intentions, your actions need to align with them. Ensure your behaviour reflects the care and respect you want to convey.
At the end of the day, you can’t control how others perceive you, but you can control your actions. I encourage you to focus on aligning your behaviour with your intentions, rather than constantly apologising for misunderstandings.
Best wishes,
Yogesh