Dear Yogesh,
What’s the best way to handle a colleague who dominates conversations? My coworker constantly interrupts, won’t let me finish, talks excessively, repeats herself, and leaves little room for anyone else to speak. I often feel trapped and unheard. What can I do?
Signed,
Tilak
Dear Tilak,
There are two paths forward: accept the imbalance in your conversations, or address it directly with your colleague. While confronting the issue may seem uncomfortable, it’s often the only way to create lasting change.
The key to success is timing. Address the issue sooner rather than later. Waiting until frustration builds can cause resentment, which can seep into your tone and trigger defensiveness. If you’ve already reached that point, start by reframing the situation. Instead of seeing yourself as a victim of their behaviour, recognise your role in allowing the pattern to continue. The first time someone dominates a conversation, it’s on them. The tenth time? It’s partly on you.
Let me share a personal story. For years, I had a friend, Paul, who was a brilliant legal scholar with an extraordinary career. While his insights were fascinating, Paul had no awareness of conversational cues. He could speak for an hour without realising I hadn’t said a word. If I tried to excuse myself, he’d keep talking, undeterred.
Over time, I started avoiding him. Seeing him in the neighbourhood would trigger panic, knowing I’d likely get stuck in a one-sided conversation. When avoidance didn’t work, resentment grew. I’d vent to my wife, complain about him, and feel self-righteous in my frustration.
Then, I had a revelation: resentment often signals a failure to set and maintain boundaries.
Accepting my role in the situation changed everything. I let go of my indignation and started taking responsibility for addressing the problem. I could finally see Paul for who he truly was: brilliant, tender, fascinating, and human—imperfections included.
The next time we spoke, I initiated the conversation I now recommend to you. I started by creating a safe space, clarifying my positive intentions:
“Paul,” I said, interrupting firmly but kindly, “before you continue, there’s something I want to share. I love our conversations. I love you. But I’ve noticed something that makes it harder for me to fully engage. And I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve been avoiding you sometimes because I didn’t know how to bring it up. I want to address it so our conversations can work better for both of us. Is that okay?”
He nodded, and I explained what wasn’t working. While I knew Paul’s advanced age (93) meant he was unlikely to change his style significantly, I took responsibility for managing my boundaries. I shared how I’d handle situations when I needed to step away and asked for his understanding.
In your case, you might try a similar approach with your colleague. Start by affirming your positive intentions and sharing your desire for more balanced conversations. Then, propose practical solutions:
- Ask if they’d be open to a visual cue (like raising a finger or making a “T” with your hands) to signal when you’d like to speak.
- Clearly express your needs, such as, “It’s important for me to finish my thoughts so I feel heard in our conversations.”
- If necessary, take control by asserting your boundaries.
When I tried cues with Paul, they didn’t work, and I eventually had to walk away mid-conversation. I’d let him know when I had five minutes left, then one minute, and finally, I’d say goodbye and leave. While it felt awkward at first, it was liberating. I stopped expecting him to meet my needs and took responsibility for my own. Paul never took offence, and we remained close friends until his passing.
Liberate yourself from judgement, take ownership of your needs, and have the courage to address the issue. With effort and empathy, you might find a way to build a more productive relationship.
Best wishes,
Yogesh